Secret Cutting
by Glasya
Summary: Duo is into self mutilation, and Heero isnt going to be nice about *based on true story*
1. Default Chapter

This story is based on my own experiences with my family. It seems most likely to use Duo as the victim because he is the one most appropriate for these problems and feelings.  
  
Secret Cutting  
  
I always knew i had lived a shitty life. But that was no excuse to keep on doing so. Especially, when i had the opprotunity to make it better. I had been so much since being an orphan. I had lived on my own, been a whore, and straight to a gundam pilot, fighting a war. Now, theres no one left to fight, no more conflicts, just peace. Since Quatre has and always be the sweetheart that he is, he let us all live with him. It was scary to have the five of us ex pilots in the same house, not doing anything but moping around the house. Sometimes it was boring. But then it was up to me to cheer everyone up. They all expected me to do things, to act a certain way. Not even seeing past all the joyfull happiness to what might be the real me. But i got over that. After all, there was nothing i could do to change their perspectives of me. They thought what they wanted to of me, and i just didnt care. Or, atleast acted as if i didnt. I had my opinions of each of them as well.  
  
First there is Quatre, kind and loving fool who hates war. He is so sweet, it makes you wonder how he ever got thrown into the mix of battle. I think it is his love of us all that keeps us locked in this house together. I figured it would be Wufei to leave first, but surprisingly, he has stayed here with us. He mostly keeps to himself. He practices his martial arts and all his ancestry stuff. But he still takes the time to yell injustice at me for my stupid jokes about him. Trowa, the silent clown is like Wufei when it comes to keeping to himself. Sometimes we sit down and have little conversations about the past and that good stuff. He spends alot of time with Quatre. But i always found him sitting in a room with several windows sipping on tea or something and reading a paper. Then there is Heero. I can tell he cares when he looks at me. But he is so cold. There is something more to him though, but i cant put my finger on it.  
  
I had been into self mutilation for a long time. But it seemed to get worse when i met this little crew of friends. They all hadent noticed anything or found any clues as to what i had gotten myself into. Until one day... 


	2. chapter 1

It was spring, turning into summer. I figured i would give up wearing so much black for a while and start wearing some shorts. the past cuts on my thighs were barley visible, so i figured they would be easy to cover up. It was night and i was in my room, having a little time to myself, away from the tv that was on all the time now. I had the radio on and was singing out loud as i hung some things on my walls. Me, only being 5'3, wasnt tall enough to reach some of the areas that i wanted decorations. So, i had to stand on my dresser to reach up there. Thats when Heero walked in. "Everyone is watching a movie down stairs. Are you going to join us?" he asked in his one tone voice. "Ah no, im gonna stay up here and decorate this blank room that i sleep in" i said in a cheerful tone. He walked closer to me, and stared at my leg. "What happened here?" he asked, observing the scars on my thigh. My heart lept into my throat as he ordered me to get down and sit on the bed. He left the room and came back with the others. How could i have been so blind and to not hide them well? i mentally scolded myself for my foolishness. Look where it had gotten me now. I wasnt careful enough and now they all knew my secret.  
  
It was Heero who did all the talking. He got in my face and started yelling at me. "Your fucking up your body you know that!" he yelled at me. I was powerless to do anything but stare blankly at anything else but him and the others. I focused on a stain on the floor. His words cut through me like a thousand knives going straight through me. All i could do was cry. It was pathetic, to cry infront of the others because there was nothing else to do but take it all. I felt so horrible inside. I could see i had hurt Heero. It was written all over his face as he scolded and yelled at me. They left for a little bit, leaving the door open. I felt so lost, there was nothing i could do. I put my hands over my ears and tried to figure a way out of it all. Nothing came to mind though. It was Quatre who appeared first in my doorway. He asked me if i needed anything. But when i didnt respond, he left. Heero came back and started lecturing again, threatening to take my door off the hinges so they could make sure i didnt do anything again. He asked what i did it with. I lied to him, saying it was a knife, when i had used razor blades. He took them away from me and started babbling about this being his fault. He made me feel so horrible, pathetic, and belittled. I knew i had messed up, but i didnt want them to find out. "We are going to send you to a psychiatrist to find out whats going on in your mind, because obviously you wont talk to any of us" he said. I cringed at the thought of having to go to a shrink. She wouldnt help though, none of the shit that they wanted to do to me would. But then again, they wouldnt understand why i did it, and that they couldnt force me to stop, like Heero had intended to do. Its not something that people can force you to do, You have to stop when your ready. But Mr. Perfect Soldier, who knows no faults would be able to understand that concept of being a human being. It was kind of shitty, a man who is closer to a robot than a person is telling me how to live my life and what to do! He doesnt know anything about me or my situation. I couldnt even handle my own situation. And he was just blowing it up in my face. Some friend huh. He really should try acting like a friend, instead of a father figure that i dont need. Ive lived my life without a father. He died, Father Maxwell died, no more older male guidence for me. And i was not about to be ruled over by someone who doesnt know what he is talking about.  
  
Please dont be too harsh about it! tell me what you think about it so far okies? ^_^; 


	3. ch2

I really think my situation would have turned out worse if i didnt have anyone to talk to. Luckily, i did, and it was Quatre. Yes Quatre of all people. After all of Heero's pain streaking lectures, i always had someone to find kindness in. Quatre is and always will be a remarkable listener. I always knew he disapproved of what i had become, but he also understood the concepts of it. He knew that once you started, you had to have the intentions to quit (which i just didnt have right then) So he stuck it out with me, giving me a shoulder to cry on, when tears actually came. Which rarely happened unless Mr. Perfect was bitching in my face. I just couldnt control myself when in that situation, i cracked, and there was nothing i could do about it no matter how hard i fought it. "I dont understand him Quatre! Who does he think he is!? hes not my father!! he will never be!!!" i screamed at Quatre, just after Heero had found out. Quatre had come into my room shortly after, making sure that i had time to myself to sort out everything. "I know i know Duo. Its just that Heero is scared. Hes never been exposed to this kind of thing. And it scares him to think that one of his friends is hurting himself." "I dont give a shit!! he has no right to control me!!"  
  
Heero always took it upon himself to play my boss and father, especially when he wasnt wanted nor needed. But thats just the way he was. He made me do alot of things. Crushing my spirit everychance he got now. He would call me into his room when i walked by it and confront me. "Duo why did you do this?" I would just shrug at him. "There has to be a reason for this" "Oh i just wanted to try it. Its something i did on my own" i would answer, lying. I hated lying, but it wat the only way i was going to get him off my back. "Are we finished Heero?" i would say and leave without another word spoken. They all conspired against me, or so i thought. I found Wufei on the phone with someone that he wouldnt say. Latre i saw a list of names and numbers. 'Shrinks' were the first things that came to my head. Just great. Now they wanted me to pour my heart out to some stranger cuz they thought it would fix my problem! Just someother poor idiot to lie to. Oh well, Just convince them that you are not suicidal maniac and they will let you go free.  
  
I chose a girl named Jennifer Martin. She was so nice i just couldnt help but pour my heart out to her. But she always wanted to discuss the same thing-cutting. I got so tired of it. It made me feel so low and pathetic whenever i stepped through the doors of that building. It was a horrible feeling, but atleast she was easier to talk to than Heero. But she could never replace Quatre. No one could. Every day i went to see this woman, the more i longed to be back with Quatre. Finally, after atleast two weeks of getting no where i just walked in to her office and said im better! i stopped! She just replyed by saying it scared her when people said that. Well, that was the truth for a while. I had stopped for a little bit. Trowa did that little work of art. He made me realize that i didnt need to do it anymore. I had to realize this for myself, nothing could make me quit except the want to quit. I paid my last visit to that woman and havent seen her since. HOME FREE!!!!!!! i was so overjoyed to not have to talk to her again!!! Nothing lasts though. Not even little mental notes that tell you your are cured when you know deep down in your soul your about to start up again. I hid it well from them though, being extra careful. I even hid them from Quatre if needed be. So hah! i got away with it!  
  
Even when i think back on those days, i still feel the miserable anguish of a long lost person. Too far gone to care about anyone or anything. I would have killed myself, but that would just be down right stupid. Too much to leave behind, and i consider that taking the easy way out, leaving all who care about you behind.They would grieve more than i ever could. I just couldnt do that to Quatre, or any of them. I still have my hatred for Heero though, But that too is diminishing with time. Ive forgotten alot of what happened. But the scars are still there. Sometimes i wish i could take it all back, Others, i find myself wanting to pick up Mr. Sharp and pointy and have a little fun! That happens every once in a while. Only when i truely need it. But ive grown out that as well. Not even cutting seems to help anymore. Is that sad or what? Oh well, i guess im too good for that. I got some really good reminders of how good it feels though. I remember when Heero had thrown me into a high school. I didnt like it there. There was this beautiful boy i liked there. We talked often, and even went out for eleven days. But he broke my heart. I lost my soul after that. he killed me and stole my emotions. Far worse than Heero ever could. Heero is just a friend to me though, nothing more, nothing less. I wouldnt even dream of loving him. After the hell he put me through, would you? He blew everything up in my face. This was a completely personal situation. And he found out. I survived months of torment and Hell. I guess i can take alot. I remember one day at school... it was particularly bad. I was so tired of all these imbosils that i was hanging around and left. I went up to a locker area far away from all the others eatinglunch. Smart me, bring mr. sharp and pointy along for the ride, i had some fun, making the deepest cut i had ever done on my shoulder. I was always too scared to cut on my wrists, too much to risk. Besides, all the veins in my wrists were very close to the surface. Heh, i could slit my wrists without actually wanting to.  
  
I always wanted to tell people though. I let it get around to my friends what i was doing to myself. They all tried their best to help me. It made Mr. Duo Maxwell look like he wanted attention. Atleast thats what people thought. But it was the exact opposite. I never wanted it to get around. I just desperately wanted someone to talk to. In this case, all my friends. I accepted their love and desire to make me quit. But they couldnt help me. They gave me a sense of power, knowing that i had something they couldnt do anything about. I laugh at them for that, still do.  
  
It gets old though. Nothing left but a vague memory and scars. Alot of scars. Beautiful, yet serve as a reminder of what i once was. still am, just better. I dont even wear shorts anymore. Its funny to me, i just woke up one morning and...I hate shorts. Havent worn them since. My legs have gotten overly white. The last time i wore shorts, Heero saw some marks on my leg where i had cut, I just told him that a cat got me. It kept them at bay, and that was what i wanted. So iguess thats the end of it then. Talking to people really does help. Just depends on who you talk to. Heero just isnt the type to understand situations like these, after all, he was only trained to fight. Hes practically a robot for Christs' sake. I really wouldnt have done as well without Quatre. Which is kinda surprising. Im still the same in a way, but alot older as well. Mentally i mean, ive been there. I know how it feels and how long it takes. Once your lost, you have to start on the path to finding yourself. Which is taking me forever!!!! But oh well. Ill live. Im still gonna do what i feel is right. Even if its the wrong thing to Heero. Its my life, and i gotta live it how i want to, not by someone else's standards. Too bad Heero, this is one kid you wont keep hold of. Thats the end i guess, nothing more to say, nothing left.  
  
*walks out of room looking for Heero* "HEERO YOU ARE GONNA DIIIIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!" Quatre: Well this concludes a chapter on our screwy lives *sigh* Duo! stop chasing Heero!!" AHAAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! ITS THE END!!!!!! 


End file.
